OK but the thing about the Marie Kondo thing, is that when I’m thinking about everything in my house in terms of whether it makes me happy, I remember that me being happy is important and good?
Like, so often I’ve framed my messiness and lack of organization as me being a failure, falling short of some abstract ideal. And the idea behind so many of those cleaning shows, like Hoarders and whatever, is that you can’t live like this because it’s disgusting and you should be ashamed. But if you’re depressed and anxious, being shamed doesn’t motivate you to be better; it just reinforces the idea that your life is a nightmare you can’t escape because you’re too [lazy/stupid/worthless/ugly/unloved/unlovable] to do the things good, normal people do to make it OK.
(And this is a number my mom did on me too, or exacerbated at least, because this is how she treated cleaning– still does, sadly– in that “get rid of the couches, we can’t let people know we sit” way, where when people are coming over, or when a fit of bad mental weather is coming on, you suddenly put the shame glasses on and things that were OK a minute ago are suddenly filthy and disgusting and how can we live like this, it’s because we’re bad people, quick make it look like we don’t live like this so no one will know how bad we truly are.)
I’ve literally never thought of cleaning/organization as something to do for myself. Making my house a place that makes me happy, a place full of things that make me happy, where I don’t have to panic when I need or want something, because it’s not buried under a pile of random crap I hate but can’t deal with.
But it seems so simple, once you start to think about it this way: This is my house. Nothing belongs here that doesn’t serve the purpose of my joy. And the things that do bring me joy, belong where I can find them, clean and cared for, when I need them next. For me, because they’re mine, and it’s hard enough in this world, and I will cling to and fight for and look after what sparks joy.
I keep feeling like I should watch this show because of all the positive posts I see about it. I actually have really severe anxiety about cleaning and picking up (like I have literal panic attacks) because of shit my mom used to do to me throughout my childhood. She always called it “clean sweep” (after another one of those shamey cleaning shows that was on in the 2000s) where she would literally pile my stuff up in the center of my room and tell me I had 30 seconds to go through it or she would throw it away. To this day she jokes about it fondly like it was some fun game, whereas I think about it and feel sick and like I’m going to cry. It didn’t matter if it was something that “sparked joy” or whatever, if I wasn’t fast enough it went in a garbage bag. That or if she decided I was “too old for something” or just “didn’t need it” it was either thrown out or given to my cousins. Now I have issues throwing literally anything away because I always think of her doing stuff like this.
This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry that was done to you. I hope you know that was abusive, cruel, and sick of your mother to do to a helpless child, and it’s especially horrible that she still jokes about it when it’s literally given you panic triggers around cleaning. I hope you know you deserved better, and deserve, now, to heal.
I do think you might enjoy Marie Kondo’s show, because she’s very kind and gentle and positive, and not only would she never force or coerce anyone to give up something that matters to them, but she actively celebrates and praises people’s possessions and their joy in them, encourages them to talk and expand about why these things are important to them– not in a “defend your choice” way, but in a “I love seeing you glow when you talk about this” way– and suggests ways to make sure those dear, cherished things stay where they bring the most possible joy.
For example, one lady had a TON of Christmas decorations, which she was storing in garbage bags, and Marie encouraged her to hold forth about how much she’s loved Christmas ever since she was a kid, and then was like, “That's so wonderful! Now! Let’s talk about storage! I like to store my favorite things in nice clear bins when I’m not using them! That way they’re protected, and I can see what’s in there when it comes time to get them out again!”
It’s like the opposite of emotional gaslighting. It’s emotional sunlighting. It’s beautiful to me.
(via mumblingsage)
